she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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