just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
