Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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