Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize