Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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