i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
