he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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