In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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