Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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