Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
