The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
