i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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