I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
