you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
