how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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