Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
