Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
