Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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