I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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