I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
