everyone is single if you try hard enough
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
