and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
