sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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