I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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