I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
