I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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