right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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