he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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