Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
