I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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