I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
