Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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