Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think my mom watched the whole time
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
