i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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