Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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