I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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