And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
