She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The uberlube is also flammable
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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