Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
