Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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