definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
