Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
