How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
