She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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