The maid of honor just puked.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
