Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Congratulations! We have a period
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