i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
