he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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