it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
