Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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